Maintaining healthy friendships is important for mental health and well-being across the lifespan. A safe community of people that you can rely on can build self-esteem, improve quality of life, and may actually make you live longer. Research from Myles and colleagues found that friendships provide a sense of belonging, and contribute to overall happiness and feelings of security. For autistic adolescents, those with a strong network of friends had greater self-esteem and lower levels of loneliness, showing that friendships are just as beneficial for autistic young people as they are for allistic people. Despite the benefits, autistic adolescents and teenagers face hurdles when building and maintaining friendships. This is not to say that autistic young people lack the social skills to make friends, rather, autistic adolescents and teenagers just do friendships differently. However, with pressure to fit the neurotypical friendship mould, coupled with complicated social rules, and a lack of societal understanding of autistic experiences it is difficult for autistic young people to find long-lasting, meaningful friendships.
Between the ages of 11 and 12, children go through a huge shift. The transition from primary school to secondary school means leaving behind existing friendship groups, comforting environments, and familiar teachers. While non-autistic children may adapt to this transition after a few months and even feel excited about the prospect of making new friends, this may feel incredibly daunting for autistic adolescents.
So why are friendship dynamics hard to navigate for autistic young people?
One explanation is that societal expectations for what friendships should look like clash with how autistic adolescents naturally form friendships. Therefore, challenges arise from this mismatch, which have a detrimental impact on autistic adolescents.
One challenge is that friendships in secondary school emphasise emotional bonding and sharing feelings, rather than playing a shared game or activity, which might have been the norm in primary school. Research from Sedgewick and colleagues revealed that autistic adolescents have a preference for ‘functional communication’ among friends. This is defined as scheduling regular, structured time together with a clear outcome (such as playing football together every Friday afternoon) as opposed to an unexpected 3-hour phone conversation with a crying friend about a recent breakup. The latter is heavily valued in secondary school friendships, particularly among girls, which can be a tricky transition.
Friendship levels, hierarchy and hidden rules can also be incredibly confusing and disorientating for autistic adolescents (and remain well into adulthood). Research from the Autistic Girls Network found many reasons why these friendship dynamics are difficult for autistic young people. Often, these hierarchal social interactions rely heavily on the use of inference i.e., having to work out who is your best friend (or not), who is not speaking to whom, and so on. This can be problematic for autistic teenagers as they can end up feeling like everyone else knows about a secret code and they don’t. Not to mention that this level of de-coding can take its toll on their cognitive load, leaving them unable to think about anything else, such as schoolwork. With friendship comes fallouts. Many autistic people are uncomfortable with conflict and are four times more likely to experience bullying because of it (Sterzing et al. 2012). Additionally, their strong sense of social justice or moral compass can backfire in neurotypical friendship groups which stress conformity and group solidarity over honesty.
There is a huge misconception that autistic teenagers perhaps don’t understand what is required to form healthy friendships, but this cannot be further from the truth.
Bottema-Beutel and colleagues found that autistic teenagers can articulate their preferences for what friendship means to them. Specifically, sharing of personal information is less of a priority in friendships, while kindness and trustworthiness was of top priority. While there are differences in how non-autistic and autistic adolescents ‘do’ friendships, other research has found that overall, autistic teenagers do seek out similar things in friendships as their non-autistic peers. A study from Finke and colleagues found that autistic teenagers recognise the value of maintaining friendship bonds over time, instead of looking for more friends.
The consequences of friendship difficulties among autistic young people can be detrimental for their well-being. Unstable friendship groups can lead to an unstable sense of self, isolation, bullying and being unable to trust others who might have good intentions, which could have repercussions on future adult relationships. The more negative experiences with friendships autistic young people have, the more likely they are to use compensatory strategies which hide their autistic traits, in an attempt to avoid further negative responses. Cage and Troxell-Whitman found that hiding autistic traits to fit in is associated with identity confusion and mental health difficulties among autistic adolescents. It is not simply the case that autistic adolescents need to make friends, it is the quality of the friendship and feeling safe enough to be their authentic selves which contributes to better outcomes.
So, can autistic young people form authentic and safe friendships?
Yes, of course. Recent research from Crompton and colleagues found that finding an autistic community can help build a stronger sense of identity as they can share similar experiences. Multiplayer online gaming has helped many autistic teenagers find a safe, like-minded community without the sensory distractions from being in an unfamiliar environment. Taking part in out-of-school activities can also help young autistic people build friendships with those who share similar interests, easing the pressure of having to become friends with classmates. When I was an undiagnosed autistic teenager, I joined a weekly dance club that took place outside of school. I liked that I could physically be around people doing a shared activity, without the pressure of making up conversations on the spot or getting caught up in playground politics. Overall, the most important factor for autistic children is to help them find friends who they can be their most authentic selves.
At Autistic Thoughts, we provide a range of tailored solutions to support autistic individuals fostering the most nurturing environment. We are committed to carefully selecting mentors and counsellors who genuinely empathise with your unique experiences, enabling us to delve into topics like connection and friendship together. You’re welcome to schedule a complimentary consultation to discuss your specific needs in depth. Alternatively, if you prefer not to initiate a direct conversation at this moment, you can reach out via message, and our team will promptly respond to your inquiries.
